last night

I dreamt I had died. 4-9-09. Oh, ok. It was a Bike accident on Everett. As long as I didn’t have to look behind I was ok with it. Ok. I’m dead, fine. I still get to be me. I was over portland anyway. But then they gave me Diamond necklaces worth lots of money, to wear in my grave, and I thought what a waste. people who are living would benefit more from diamonds. They were rather plain anyway.

no no no

the vile green lake rises when I want this. I want her to sing a bird to my song, I want those green leaves to turn with the summer of me. My own body, broken on strings that sound so lovely. Oh no. I have wasted the days, you heard, I have spent them unseen and now I see her, doing what I meant to do, her eyes pockets of my own, her eyes like Mary, her eyes like the actress, her eyes like mine. I see her and my heart wants to take me with it, down the the bottom where we began to slip away. We did slip away, moment to moment, we skipped over the warm parts, and fed on the air in the way. Take this lake and drain it. Make my blood the color of berries, not green like this monster. I don’t want to want. I want to live. I want to live.

song

I go down I go down for the day I don’t,

know when I’ll have to pay but

my body goes somewhere away

I try I try to stay but

we we don’t we don’t know how to go there

we we don’t we don’t know how to go there

I go down I go down for the day I try I try to stay but

my body got lost on the way

i don’t know how to play boy

but when we’re at the waters side

I feel the stones are mine I feel the calm

but when I hear the rain come in, I’ll know the sun was him and I will cry

I go down I go down for the day I don’t,

know when I’ll have to pay but

my body goes somewhere away

I try I try to stay but

we we don’t we don’t know how to go there

we we don’t we don’t know how to go there

but when I feel the rain come in

I know it is not him

I need tonight

Oh love, you are a mean thing you tell me to dream when I am fine.

song

I want to lay my head down, deep breath I’m found

you are my fever, you are

I’m a believer if you are

I can deceive her, stay

beat the lie from my home

from my golden home

sleep is not sound, you are quiet

you are too close

give me an another, spring and summer

I wont watch you fade

I’m a believer if you are

I can deceive her, stay

I think that I got lost running home

I think that I will stay

beat the lie from my home

from my golden home

say what I can’t say

If he can’t

see past the red play dough face, screaming cream cheese, then let him go.

New Computer.

She is a she. She loves me, she lights up, northern lights, found me here. She is a purple dragon, she makes me like purple. She has a name, I feel like she has a name. That is a special feeling.

Sunlight

My rolled out ache is old as the sadness in a mother’s bones. But I will find the breath to smile, because life isn’t on the ground.

Today

My neck is sore from so much dipping to drink from the dark blue night. The parts of me unanswered are lapping the last of the invisible. I love my secrets. They nourish me. My life,  separated into stars, to keep me bright.